"The
curious are always in some danger.
If
you are curious you might never come home."
Jeanette
Winterson
"The
curious are always in some danger.
If
you are curious you might never come home."
Jeanette
Winterson
september
11 used to be
august and everything after.
* Marcos, Ferdinand - The Philippines' dictator president. the epitome of brilliance and power gone wrong. Oct
3 - Roz's Birthday
|
171002
Wake up call at 6AM. "Hello?" "Hold on, baby" (Cell ringing in the background) "Yes, I've called 911..." First thought that came to mind was, "Please god, I hope there's no bloodshed." Someone broke into her apartment. Room in disarray, Vaio + other valuables + good sheets (?) gone. My poor baby. :o( Was I dreaming? I forced myself back to sleep, and baby calls back at 9 to tell me how it went with the police. No fingerprints. Feels dreamlike, you only hear this happen to other people, she tells me. More than ever I wanted to be physically there for her. I consoled myself with the fact that at least nobody was hurt, but pass by church anyway to ask for strength her way. Proceeded to the bank to close my account, chickened out to commute with my life savings in my bag so I took a cab to Makati. My secretary (Melanie) calls to give me instructions, saying "don't worry, just say your name. they know you there." I get down at another bank in Ayala, and the bank manager kisses my ass. how's your dad? what do you want, oh okay, just fill these up, please, thank you, you're so tall why aren't you a model like your sister? i was a queen for a few minutes because we used to be a big client there, and it felt good to just sit down instead of having to fall in line and wait for attention. I walked out with my first checkbook. At work Melanie smiles and says she had something for me. "Money?" I said. "No, even better." "Umm..happiness?" "Yeah." and she hands me my passport with my corrected visa in it. I leap for joy and ask her to finally buy my ticket. At least the exchange rate is down, so I ask the finance guy to buy me some $s. Had a quick lunch while consoling my sweetheart. "I lost all your letters, baby." Sigh. Plus the lewd photos I send her every so often. If you're reading this, and my photos have been uploaded or circulated via email already, or reached TV Patrol (local evening news), I hope you know i'm not really a slut. or maybe i am, but that's just cos i'm in love. or horribly narcissistic. Melanie called the shippers, but nothing is finalized because after what happened we might be moving. Melanie says it's okay, when these things happen they come back a hundredfold. You can always count on Filipino resilience and optimism when tragedy strikes, that's what i can tell you. This is my last entry until I get to NY, if we have a working PC by then. Hopefully I'll have patience with my mother's computer, but then i doubt i'll also have time to write. I'm burning the last of my files and packing this baby up for delivery to its buyer (Jenny, my college roommie) tomorrow, and then I'm moving to Parañaque on Sunday till my Saturday flight. In the meantime I'm off finishing my packing, so I'll leave you with something I wrote last night. Isn't it just ironic... Subject: Mother Packer hello, my beautiful wife! i'm almost done packing except for a few essentials that i might need before i go. clothes, kitchen stuff, and consumables. i'm tired and i will go to bed soon after my shower. iiiiitttcchhh! packing is always a happy and sad endeavor. happy because it gets you closer to your destination, but sad because inevitably ties will be severed and the disposal of possessions always coincides with the forced erasure of memories. or maybe it's just like this for me, because i attach sights and smells to inanimate objects and refuse to part with them until i absolutely have to. i've lived in eight homes in 26 years, and transferring is always a question of what i hold dear, and what i think are memories that i would like to come back to years later, when i unearth these boxes from under the bed in parañaque, or in one of the bodegas (stock rooms) in our warehouse. mama asked me "so, itatambak mo na naman mga gamit mo dito? (so, you're dumping your stuff here again?) " yupyup, although all this practice has trained me to keeping junk at a minimum, there are some things i still can't part with. like my mba books, notebooks and papers i know i won't return to. maybe it's a security blanket, i need to feel that what i learned there won't go away if it's in a box somewhere. does that make sense at all? this time, moving is especially tricky because the stockpile of memories will be at the opposite end of the world. what to bring, what to keep, what to throw away? i decided to keep a photo each of people who were once in my life, just so i won't forget how they look (and for easy chaka*-ness comparison, haha!). leave the letters to rot, i've got the good ones backed up anyway. bring absolutely everything that reminds me of my baby. including decomposing moldy chlorophyll reservoirs. do you know what i'm talking about? :p nonetheless i'm psyched about my coming life with you, regardless of whether you'll be psyched by the amount of space i occupy. :o) i'll be there, in your walls and on your shelves, and having a love affair with your splendid vaio. you'll never forget i'm there, and that you're stuck with me! personal history is being kept to a bare minimum, educational materials to the max. everything else i want i'm sure i can find in the great big america, everything i need i already have in your arms. i love you. Kia P.S.
my horoscope today is a little bit late:
_____________________
my
dear friends P and
M,
I will miss your feedback, but I will check up on you as often as I can.
Can't wait to get back to the blog biz! :o) hmm...maybe i should write
it down on paper? gasp! :p
161002
Excellent nap on the bus home, quick stop at Jollibeeto check out their new crispy sundae cone. cheap thrills, then a tricycle to Maamo. Cooked the chicken adobo that's been soaking in my ref since the weekend. Eating it now on top of rice and hellot of hot sauce. Mmmmm. Nothing like it! I like my adobo sour and spicy, and I learned to cook this at the Ajinomoto test kitchen when they offered free cooking lessons to kids in the 80s. Yeah, man! start them on MSG while they're young. I cook mine with a hint of sugar instead. does the trick. Packing is going well, in fact it feels great to have to finish everything consumable and not have to work on a budget. Shampoo? Might as well swim in it as I'm throwing the bottle out in a few days. Toothpaste? Squeeeezzzee it all out!! got
a letter from libran lou. she's doing well. hope she's still with that
guy arnold she broke my heart for...ooops...packing-related-reminiscing
rolly is finally discovering the wonders of e-mail (flashback 97, after getting my first hotmail account: and they get it RIGHT AWAY??!!) after we set up her account here. the Tavanlars say "if it's any consolation, at least the world is getting smaller," referring to reaching me online. Gotta get that webcam! damn this rice is good! glad everyone is having a good day. i hear it's getting colder in Bklyn. That scares me. :::tropical girl walking away to pack now::: Tomorrow:
____________
*Esperanza
Dela Cruz is my yaya's name, and she is my mother in most respects, in
that I call her "mommy" and she raised all of us sibs in our Parañaque
home for 30 years. She never married, and retired a few years ago to return
to a quiet and destitute life in Barrio Tumbar, Lingayen, Pangasinan. I
visited her with Roz last August, and she cried as she held me, saying
"Anak, huwag mo akong kakalimutan, ha? (My child, don't forget me
okay?)"
*sadness* 151002
Five to seven freakin working days! That's how long I have to wait to get my visa again, plus I had to pay for courier services once more. That made visa apps to Can and Eur pretty much shot, and impossible for me to buy my ticket. North Star is only holding my reservation until the 24th, so they better not misspell my beautiful name again! Walked out and got into the cab, and called up my baby for some kuwentos* back to the office. When I get there, Mama sends me a text message ordering me to inquire what to do with the misspelling. Jeez. I guess they didn't figure I'd have worked on it already. Held my Training Seminar in the afternoon, and then chatted with an ex for the proverbial "closure." Picked up Gio from work and treated him to a one-on-one dinner at Piadina in Megamall's Mega Strip. i like their chili oil, not so much for its (negligible) flavor as for its aesthetics. Aldo picks us up from the station and brings me home. ::Sigh:: linking that photo makes me think about last year, right around this time, when I was just starting to move in. It took me two months to unpack, and about another two to finish decorating. I willmiss this place, the silence and my solitude, and the way I cleaned it. Plus the fact that it's expensive for its size at around $150 (only in Manila, pare!). Life at 6 Maamo* was much like life at the Cedillo Compound at Faculty Village and at Umali Subd in LB, except that this is the city. i will miss walking alone to the grocery store, and walking back past the fishball and cotton candy carts on sundays. and javanese greeting me at the door. Tonight's itinerary: more packing, more disposing, hopefully a hot shower before bed at...hmmm...whenever. Tomorrow:
Morning visit to the UP registrar to finalize my dropping, PM Hands-On
Training at work, plus a visit from my insurance agent olive to convert
my payments from quarterly to annually (so grown up, yeah?).
memorythoughtcloudresurfacing
:
sadreality:
happyrealization:
____________________
141002
1320hr my passport arrives at my secretary's table from the US Embassy's Courier. I quickly flip through it to find my precious one-year-multiple. I jump and show it off, only to find after closer inspection that they misspelled my name to SHAKRIRA. Good thing I noticed, otherwise I'd have ended up at JFK (ETA 1445hr 26oct02) being sent back to fix it. <<Unspoken emotion: How can you give me such a freakin hard time if you can't even spell?>> Relax. It's no biggie. Travel agent says to drop by embassy tomorrow at 7 fucking AM!!!??? Whew. Long day tomorrow. Baby says no more making-kalkal my stuff, just get some sleep. Yes. I, too, want to be in your hair, in your way, in your life. Right NOW. ::::12 days to go:::: In the meantime, check out my progress. :o) Errrr...M&P, keep yer heads up. My heart goes out to you. ===========
131002
121002
Wake up call at six, followed by sa sumptuous breakfast of daing na pusit followed by kesong puti fried in Star Garlic Margarine (heart attack city!!) with my best friend Rolly. Spent the day sleeping and talking to my baby. Farewell dinner at Don Henrico's Libis with my friends from The Program. Demasculinized Java by a really quick castration procedure. I miss being surgeon. Poor kitty got so drugged! Ketamine rules? 111002
101002
I FUCKING DID IT! "Those
who believe in miracles when it comes to matters of the heart may believe
that there is a perfect mate for each of us waiting to be discovered somewhere
in the world. But if this is true, the far greater miracle is the frequency
with which the Fates conspire
to place this person within walking distance."
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Of course, all of this did not happen without a fight. i was grilled from all possible angles, but i'm too tired to write them all down tonight. The good news is that my mom took it well, and that someone's buying this computer! Less problems. Now to pack! To all those who prayed, crossed their fingers, and sent optimistic thought arrows my way, THANK YOU. Special mention to Emiko, who sent my invitation letter, to Gio who gave me strength, of course my baby who held my hand all the way, and my new brooklyn posse paul and meli who sent their best wishes from the other side of the world. :o) Details
to come when energy permits.
>>>12 hours before my visa interview<<< Monthly executive meeting at 10. Father worries about the strike in the sea ports of California and its effect on our stock supply. If this doesn't resolve we'll be laying off employees again (last time was 97 Asian crisis) right after giving them a handsome increase because things were looking up and we've consistently hit 120% of our monthly quotas, before this development arose. I hope Christmas is good for everyone. Quickie HTML/FTP tutorialwith Ditto, until the visa guy Geoffrey passed by to look at my documents. Had to do the runaround to get more documents ("stock certificates are supposed to be on stock certificate paper," sheeeeeeshhhh!!), and so I was exhausted and anxious for the rest of the day. It was a rainy evening and i didn't want to take the bus as i had my inheritance under my arm, but i got tired of standing outside my building hailing and getting rejected by one cab after another, so i just took an fx to the train station. the trains going north were full so i just took the one going south to pasay and rode it all the way back. i got a cab at gma kamuning station and got down at the church, put down my documents on one of the pews and kneeled down to pray to everything that would listen. i feel good because i just had a yummy dinner. good daing na pusit from glori's and chicken chorizo with rice. soaked in vinegar...mmmmm...sarap! Do you think i can pull this off? If you are a friend reading this, please, please pray for me. Watch out for tomorrow's post. 071002
"One month isn't a long time to be together, but it sure is a hell of long time to be apart. I miss you. And as cheesy and as juvenile as it sounds, happy one month, sweetheart." Hired and started to train my replacement today. His name is Ditto and he's Dre's cousin. Hope he doesn't fuck up. Met Esteban too on YM chat with Meli but my boss (who's your daddy?) walked in on me in the middle of the Mexican wrestlers URL listing. Hope to catch you both again soon. Java's scratching his post, which just happens to be the spine of my computer chair. I just let him, there are no scratching posts for sale in the PI and I'm just letting him have his way before I :::sigh::: leave him behind. I should tell my cat stories next time. :o( 061002
Greeted Angie Happy Birthday, turns out she's in Italy vacationing with her hubby. Angie is one of my few friends, she used to be my high school english teacher and was among the first to encourage me to write. Cleaned the house with my kewl vacuum cleaner and swiffer. Cleaned the bathroom too. Figgered i better do my cleaning now rather than go through an asthma attack from the dust while packing. Organized some junk, took a shower and then ate the leftover Mang Bok's Manok from last night. Made egg spread and gave instructions to the Personnel Manager to accommodate my replacement tomorrow.
051002
Wrote
my ex Lou to greet her happy birthday. Librans rule.
(wanna get paul the latest in Pinoy music. would you like that, bro?) movie vcds: gattaca, breakfast@tiffany's, the exorcist (director's cut, with the infamous "spider walk" creepy!), single white female, casablanca, tea w/ mussolini, pay it forward (jeez), very bad things (rocks!), and of course...(tantanan!)...FIGHT CLUB. Yeah, Tyler, i know you're long gone. There's nothing like relaxed geektime with my computer. Selling it :o( so i made the ad detailing its specs and its apps, saying farewell to my most loyal companion. Stayed in on a Saturday night. Friends were inviting me to go to Malate but i knew i'd just miss my 80s chick. So I just stayed home with the little girl. 041002
Baby got my flowers i sent online. Free delivery to Manhattan, smile well worth the $50. Wow, I'm in love. and i'm too cheap to take a $1 cab ride. Hung out at Mahiyain with the Tavanlars, checked out my old sites and had a few good laughs at HTML newbie-ness (circa 98): redeemed myself with my more decent recent creations up
sappho
"Virtual handshake" with Petrol's girl Amelia who, like me, is packing it all in for Brooklyn. :o) "They don't understand LOVE," she said on YM. Anyway she had this to say about me: met one of paul's cronies this evening. so rad. for a self-proclaimed 'shy' kid, she sure is a riot. i can't wait to hang with her and her 'boy'. yeah, my faux pas. first friend i meet, i insult. nice. what a trip. in one window, i'm chatting with paul, something erotic about what to lick when. in the other window ki's threatending me with a strap on. life is silly sometimes. i think i will like this girl. S'okay, girl. My 'boy' understands. so long as your boys do the cooking, ya hear? We girls will just sip on our teas. "Paul, penge namang tubig...saka ano, konting...konting bilis!" Hahaha! I like you already. 031002
(all day i've been thinking of you in your white polo with your folded sleeves, and how just touching its fabric made my stomach turn. i remember watching how you buttoned it and wore it, the shirt flowing down your tiny body and how it felt to reach under it to hold you by the waist. i'm a sucker for every little thing you do and all that you are, the numerous sensations of just being near you. looking at you, the corners or your eyes and how they fold into slits when you hide, your mouth as it devours me whole, your hands and the paths your veins form on them, your hair tucked behind your ear, your duck lips when you sleep. smelling you, a mix of your cologne, your soap, and your skin. the faint smell of blistex in the air that immediately surrounds you. hearing you, your voice, its strength and tenderness, your breath when you're aching for more of me. feeling you move, walking beside me, passing me by, heaving on top of me and wanting me down below. our bodies wet from the heat, our legs entwined, our arms wrapped around each other, finding home.) I love you at 35 and beyond, Kia 011002
just dropping a note before i turn in, to say i love you. when i think about what i feel for you it seems like a claw is breaking its way out of my chest in the direction of where you are, whether you're sitting on your desk with a phone on your shoulder, or standing dazed in the train, walking to a restaurant, or wolfing down your salad. i suppose you feel this, mid-chew, mid-thought, midstream even while you're peeing. we are merely swimmers in this ocean of longing, you and i, we know that this is much bigger than us both, even with all our baggages combined. and so when i really put my mind to it, there is no other way to go than to be together. my soul screams strong enough to draw the fates in and make the jaded believe. and because i refuse to believe that we are star-crossed lovers whose paths will meet only three weeks at a time, and because i will never resign myself to a life without you near me, and because you feel the exact same way i do and everything else is working its way towards the certainty of our reunion, it will not make sense for things not to work out in our favor. i studied logic all four years in high school, and we drew ven diagrams from if-then statements, proved and disproved arguments to the latin ad hominem, ad misericordiam, all that, ad nauseam. there are always exceptions, and there are always flukes. like you and i finding each other at this day and age (yours!). and i'm too tired to finish this discourse. so i'm just saying i love you. that follows and defies logic at the same time. go figure. :o) -----------------------------------
~ september 11 used to be just marcos' birthday ~ ~ august and everything after ~ |
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